Three Months Old

First of all, THANK YOU for all of the wonderful messages and comments regarding my post about PPD. I was right – brighter days were ahead indeed. We have settled into a more solid routine and I feel like myself again. Don’t get me wrong… there are days that the laundry sits in the washer for way too long and dishes overflow the sink, but I have learned to accept this as a new way of life. My babies are fed and happy, my pets are fed and happy, and although I could probably use a shower and a solid three days of sleep, I’m managing. Moms I tell ya… I’m convinced we’re all super heroes.

Anyway, my darling girls are three months old! I thought I would take a moment to share some photos with you. They were my most difficult subjects BY FAR. When they were in my belly, they were always giving the ultrasound techs a hard time, and I knew that as a photographer/mama I was in trouble. I wasn’t wrong.

My sweet girls… I hope you go a little easier on me at your six month milestone! And maybe, just maybe, you’ll let me do some sissy poses sometime next week…

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Being Honest about PPD

I went back and forth on if I should hit the “publish” button on this post. I’ve used this blog as an outlet for a lot of personal topics before, but this one is still so deep and raw… but I believe that it is a topic that is not talked about nearly enough. And if this post helps one person feel a little less alone in their struggles, then it was worth the courage it took to publish.

Postpartum depression is part of our story. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I remember a few people who are very dear to my heart telling me that PPD is real and it can be scary and that it is so, so, so important to tell my doctor if I begin to have symptoms. I took all of their advice to heart but I never thought I’d be sitting here writing about it. See, I didn’t realize it, but I saw motherhood almost as if certain points were awarded for breastfeeding, cloth diapering, getting the babies on a schedule, and so on… and I just wasn’t adding up. I wanted so badly to shift into motherhood gracefully. I wanted so badly to feel worthy of these beautiful babies. I loved them so much, and I just couldn’t fathom how I could possibly be deserving of not one, but TWO perfect, healthy babies. I struggled with so many emotions, the biggest being inadequacy. After the babies were born, many of my friends and family asked me how I was doing, and I lied through my teeth every single time. I said I was great – and on the outside, I appeared great… but I was a mess inside… and I thought it was normal.

I thought postpartum depression involved thoughts of wanting to hurt myself or my babies and/or having trouble bonding with my babies. While those ARE symptoms of postpartum depression, I didn’t experience those struggles. But I did blame myself for everything. The baby was crying – my fault, the baby spit up – my fault, the baby was congested – my fault. I thought it was normal to find myself crying at every little hurdle. I thought it was normal to have extreme highs and extreme lows. I thought it was normal to not be able to sleep, even when the babies were sleeping peacefully in their bassinets. I thought it was normal to have extreme anxiety about having guests and visitors in our home. I thought it was normal to feel five-thousand miles away while sitting in a room surrounded by my friends and family. After all, I had just experienced the biggest role change in my life by becoming a mother… of course it was emotionally taxing… right? It wasn’t until I started fantasizing about getting in my car and driving away from my life that I realized that none of it was normal.

 I opened up to my doctor. I filled out the PPD screening through blurry, tear-filled eyes. I knew I needed help. I’ll never forget getting on the elevator after that appointment. A mama holding her one-year-old boy stepped on after I pushed my double stroller in. She asked, “twins, huh?”, and I shook my head yes. I knew if I tried to speak, only tears would ensue. She said, “well, you’re amazing. I don’t know how you do it”. A tear rolled down my cheek and we stepped off the elevator. I could’ve hugged her. Becoming a mama is no easy feat. Becoming an instant mama of two is tough. There is absolutely no shame in needing help. It takes a village, they say. And I am overly blessed and incredibly thankful for mine.

Below are photos of the lights of my life… I wonder if they’ll ever tire of having a camera in their face.

Brighter days are ahead.

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xo

January 19, 2018 - 8:13 am

Angelica - Your doing great momma!!!

January 19, 2018 - 9:11 am

Anna Havens - Taylor, thank you for sharing! I am so glad you were brave enough to see your doctor! The statistics show that it’s very common to have PPD. But I bet that even more moms go untreated.

I have three little boys and it is tough being a mom. No matter how good of a mom I might be, I still depend on help and support. Even having a couple of mom friends who understand what you’re going through can help a lot!

You have two beautiful girls (who also appear very happy and very loved)! Prayers going up for you!

January 19, 2018 - 4:30 pm

Katie - As I said before, I’ve been there. Text ANY time. PPD makes no sense. You can’t rationalize it. I’ve tried. But it is what it is. And you will be well in time. ❤️🙏🏻❤️

January 21, 2018 - 9:29 am

Jenny - My eyes filled with tears as I read this and remembered my struggles with ppd and depression in general… I had a 3 year old, 1 year old and new born so my days were long and I felt alone… Luckily I also got help from my doctor and had to learn how to ask for help from others, even though I felt like a failure for doing so. You are brave to put this out there! Way to go mama!!